The Struggle Is Real… For Real

I read my past posts and I cringe a little. I cringe because my posts seem so glossy and so happy, and this past week… Well, this past week has been a struggle to say the least. You see, in late April I decided to start weaning myself off of Zoloft. Not because I wanna act tough and be “strong,” (which is a load of crap anyway, because having a mental illness does not make one weak, let’s just get that common misconception straight) and not because I feel the need to prove how big my God is. He is big enough to do that on His own. I decided to slowly stop taking Zoloft because my husband and I want to have another baby.

Now that I mentioned that, I’ll answer your follow up questions. Yes, we are fully aware we already have 3 kids. Yes, we know we live in a 3 bedroom house. No, we do not plan on moving. Since when was it a requirement for every kid to have their own room? Oh sorry, I forgot, you were asking the questions. Ok, let’s continue. Yeah, here’s a tough question: If you’re so depressed why do you want to have another baby? Now, I can give you this long drawn out answer, but simply put: I love my kids more than I hate my depression. And y’all I already have a love for this baby that we haven’t even conceived yet. It’s crazy, and I can’t explain it, but that’s what happening right now.

So, I started by cutting my pill in half and just taking half a dose for a couple of weeks. I didn’t notice much of a difference, and still felt pretty darn good. Then I started taking a half does every other day. Again, still felt good. Then I started taking a half does every few days… and I started to get more irritable, but no depression yet, which was hopeful. I could live with irritability and just bathe in Balance and Citrus Bliss oil all day, right? Then I stopped taking my Zoloft. I refilled my ‘script, and then I came home and it just sat there for 2 weeks. I wasn’t really planning on the last day being the last day, but it was. This second week off the Zoloft has been a very difficult week. My emotions are all over the place. I cry at the drop of a hat. These familiar feelings that defy all the logic in my head are screaming at me. I hate these feelings… Mostly, I hate the nights. When it’s quiet and my mind is racing and I can’t get it to shut off. My mind reminds me of all these perceived “failures” that are too ridiculous to write down. I mean, really, if I didn’t get something done that was on my To-Do List it turns into me being the worst wife/mother/daughter/sister/friend/fill in the blank. I’m telling you, it’s ridiculous. My brain thrives off of facts and structure and logic. In almost any other circumstance, I push feelings aside and simply look at the facts. But right not my feelings are on freakin’ overload and screaming at me and silencing my facts loving brain…

I don’t really have a way to end this post, but I can tell you I feel much better after writing all this down. So there we have it. There are my struggles, not really solved, but acknowledged.

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9 thoughts on “The Struggle Is Real… For Real

  1. Rachel says:

    Oh and we’re about to have 2 babies in our 1 bedroom 600 sq ft apartment! Lol so we get the every kid (and apparently grown ups) don’t need their own rooms… Gotta stay out of debt somehow!!! Besides then they’d miss all the fun 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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