Beloved

I remember this moment vividly, even though it was 3 years ago. There I was, curled up in my bed in the middle of the day, sobbing. I am convinced this is a cry almost every mother is familiar with… the kind of cry where your entire body shakes with your sobs and your abs end up hurting because you unintentionally gave them a workout. At that time Noah was only about 1 year old, I was pregnant with Timothy, and I felt like a failure.

I had been so emotional all day long. I’m pretty sure I lost my temper when Noah’s sippy cup spilled all over the floor. It took way too long for him to nap. I had a load of laundry in the washer, dryer, and on my couch.  I was running on little sleep and lukewarm coffee.

Why didn’t anyone ever tell me it would be this hard? I have no idea what I’m doing… I’m not cut out for this mommy thing, and how in the world am I going to raise another human being soon?

These thoughts were running through my head, along with the all too familiar lie of: You are a failure. You are ruining everything and everyone.

So there I was… a young and 25 year old mother who had no idea what she was doing. Heck, I had never even changed a diaper before my firstborn. Literally, I had no idea what I was doing other than what I read on the Internet… that and all the posts on my News Feed from other moms having the time of their life being new moms… All I wanted was a freakin’ nap. And a bath. And a day off.

After sobbing for what seemed like an eternity, I cried out to the Lord. I begged Him for strength, for wisdom, for patience, for love, for better housekeeping skills, for everything I could think of that I needed to make me a better mother… And then I begged Him, Please let my son be okay despite of me….

Exhausted from sobbing and praying, my eyes were shut and my thoughts were finally silent. Then I sensed the Spirit tell me, Beloved, your son is going to be okay because of you. Because I entrusted him to you, and I know what I’m doing.

I would like to tell you from then on out, I have been the perfect mother, but I have not, nor will I ever be. I still sometimes snap at my children who don’t deserve it, I still sometimes (okay, all the time) suck at housework, I still sometimes feel like I don’t know what I am doing… But I trust in the One who knows exactly what He is doing. I had to let my dreams of being a perfect mom die, and live for the only One who is perfect.

I write this in hopes to encourage my fellow mothers out there. God has blessed you with your wonderful babies. God has entrusted you with those beautiful babes, and He knows exactly what He is doing. Keep loving and keep praying for you are His beloved.  In the midst of the chaos, focus on these sweet moments that are few are far between.

babynoah

What words of encouragement can you provide to other moms?  Let’s edify and support each other in the journey of motherhood.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Beloved

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s